Today has been quite the relaxer. Slim homework and a lot of sleep. Moms been gone since Friday and will remain gone till Tuesday. The fast-effect hasn't been that bad as of late either. It's just times like this where I don't have much else to do that makes me start thinking about facebook, texting, and everything else.
I took my "friend" Lauren to her prom last night. I caller her my "friend" for the pure fact I don't date because I feel there is no point at this age yet if anyone had to describe my relationship with her, she would classify as my girlfriend. I'm sure she would be pissed if she found out I was "talking" to another female so this might actually be true. Her prom was BOMBB tho. Maybe thats just because I got a lapdance and worked all night lol. Oh yea, it was nice seeing her too lol =P
I had a 5ft conversation with some friends. (I say 5ft because it wasn't quite deep or shallow) We were talking about love and purity, both of which I have different opinions about from most teens. They were surprised when I said the only woman I love is my mom because no one else has done enough for me to love them. I didn't think anyone in their teens could really know what love is anyways. They were laughin and saying that I sounded like some girl in the past has hurt me. Believe me, the girls I dated in the past couldn't hurt me if I showed them how to. But in conclusion, they respected my ideas and it made sense to them but they probably just think I'm more of a weird person.
I'm starting to rethink what I said. What if I'm passing up on a person that I do love but am just scared to say it because I'm not sure how I feel. She doesn't deserve that. I don't want to be naive in what I say but I don't want to lie to her or myself. Maybe I just don't want to be tied down. I guess no one knows. I'll tell her soon.
Listening to: Infokill - Company Flow
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Day Twenty:
The official half-way make of the fast. Hard to believe I'm half way done but scared to think I basically have to endure it again. I got back from my black college tour thingy yesterday. It was kool. Kool kids, kool campuses, etc. DID NOT USE MY IPOD ON ANY OF THE 3+ HR PLANE RIDES. High fives for Vance. Now the only thing left is to decide between Howard and Morehouse..
It's like...if I go to Morehouse, I have remnants of my Cali life but if I go to DC then I'll be forced to start all over. I still can't decide which is better. Try and hang on to what I had before I left...or take the opprotunity to start over.
There was a boy named Jordan. Jordan was always fascinated with flying and how things could stay in the air regardless of the force pushing down on them. Only being 12, This fascination had been with him for as long as he could remember. He always thought and attempted different ways to keep something in the air and soon looked for keeping something airborne without the need for technology. With this fascination came a town of people who had told him his methods were impossible. They called him crazy and labeled him an outcast for his trivial passion. He ignored them. Jordan remembered one of his teachers who always stressed discipline. She used to say, "With discipline of your mind, anything is possible...you control the instruments, the instruments don't control you." Jordan took these words to heart and remembered it as he formulated ways to rise above. One day, he called everyone in town to join him at the top of a cliff above the sea for the unveiling of his flight solution. The community gathered and circulated their negative thoughts as they waited for his pointless presentation. Jordan did nothing, but stand near the edge and look and the growing crowd. Soon, he quieted the bunch as he began to back up to the edge. Many, at first thought he was joking but soon became more concerned with each step backwards. Finally when he could back up no more, Jordan closed his eyes. He thought of his teacher and her saying, "With discipline of your mind, anything is possible." Jordan let out a sigh before he smiled and began to fall back into the nothingness before the people could save him. As he fell, he was neither scared nor doubtful but the town atop the cliff could only scream of the horror as they say his careless body descend out of sight...
The next morning, Jordan's mother goes for a walk to mourn her son but finds herself openly cursing her town and their apathy towards him. Many come out of their homes to console her inconsolable heart. She yells for them to release her but all she is able to manage is a cry to God as she looked to the sky. Just then, she is overcome with silence and a wave of unbelief. She believes her eyes are liars; a product of wishful thinking. People restraining her become confused of her sudden silence and soon look to where her eyes have become locked. They see a figure above the clouds. It glides majestically through the sky as if there was not a problem in the world yet it is far larger than a bird. Many yell "Angel! Angel!" waiting for the clouds to clear for a better look. The clouds do part but it's not an angel at least, not the one they expected. It is looks down on them and they see a face so similar to the face of their lost 12 year old. It almost seems as if the figure is smiling. As the people are one again puzzled, Jordan's mom stands with glistening eyes and a content smile. She realizes she did in fact, teach him well.
Listening to: Daylight - Aesop Rock
It's like...if I go to Morehouse, I have remnants of my Cali life but if I go to DC then I'll be forced to start all over. I still can't decide which is better. Try and hang on to what I had before I left...or take the opprotunity to start over.
There was a boy named Jordan. Jordan was always fascinated with flying and how things could stay in the air regardless of the force pushing down on them. Only being 12, This fascination had been with him for as long as he could remember. He always thought and attempted different ways to keep something in the air and soon looked for keeping something airborne without the need for technology. With this fascination came a town of people who had told him his methods were impossible. They called him crazy and labeled him an outcast for his trivial passion. He ignored them. Jordan remembered one of his teachers who always stressed discipline. She used to say, "With discipline of your mind, anything is possible...you control the instruments, the instruments don't control you." Jordan took these words to heart and remembered it as he formulated ways to rise above. One day, he called everyone in town to join him at the top of a cliff above the sea for the unveiling of his flight solution. The community gathered and circulated their negative thoughts as they waited for his pointless presentation. Jordan did nothing, but stand near the edge and look and the growing crowd. Soon, he quieted the bunch as he began to back up to the edge. Many, at first thought he was joking but soon became more concerned with each step backwards. Finally when he could back up no more, Jordan closed his eyes. He thought of his teacher and her saying, "With discipline of your mind, anything is possible." Jordan let out a sigh before he smiled and began to fall back into the nothingness before the people could save him. As he fell, he was neither scared nor doubtful but the town atop the cliff could only scream of the horror as they say his careless body descend out of sight...
The next morning, Jordan's mother goes for a walk to mourn her son but finds herself openly cursing her town and their apathy towards him. Many come out of their homes to console her inconsolable heart. She yells for them to release her but all she is able to manage is a cry to God as she looked to the sky. Just then, she is overcome with silence and a wave of unbelief. She believes her eyes are liars; a product of wishful thinking. People restraining her become confused of her sudden silence and soon look to where her eyes have become locked. They see a figure above the clouds. It glides majestically through the sky as if there was not a problem in the world yet it is far larger than a bird. Many yell "Angel! Angel!" waiting for the clouds to clear for a better look. The clouds do part but it's not an angel at least, not the one they expected. It is looks down on them and they see a face so similar to the face of their lost 12 year old. It almost seems as if the figure is smiling. As the people are one again puzzled, Jordan's mom stands with glistening eyes and a content smile. She realizes she did in fact, teach him well.
Listening to: Daylight - Aesop Rock
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Day Three:
It's f'n late. Just finished with my homework on account of me getting home at 11. The blame is on my dad. I've been seriously considering breaking my ipod fast during my black college tour. It's suicide; six hours on African-American Airlines (Southwest) and nothing but my notebook probably? I mean...I can write myself to sleep but if that writer's block slips in, I'm done. Another realization came today; vanity is everything. Everything I have is more than I need to live so I have no reason to boast or put my nose in the air. This also means that...I have no reason to be sad either. If I've been blessed with this much, why should I mentally perish because a few things are taken away? (this contradicts my ipod decision if you haven't noticed) Today, was just...not the day.
On another note, if you ask a girl to prom and she says, "I have to ask my dad"...that's already awk in itself but if you continue to wait only for her to say, "You have to talk to my dad before I can say yes or no"...that's ridiculous. It's like, "I'm taking YOU to prom, not your dad." -___-
Internal Influence
The many within me
lace my consciousness
the ventriloquists that tie
together my common sense
Most times the reference is
singular, sometimes plural
Past ideas now shredded
and a mind state left rural
Immortal entities that
cannot be kept at bay
and the controlled-master
can only hope for the day
these same people
housed within his head
are the same voices
now are pronounced dead
Listening to: Last Good Sleep - Company Flow
On another note, if you ask a girl to prom and she says, "I have to ask my dad"...that's already awk in itself but if you continue to wait only for her to say, "You have to talk to my dad before I can say yes or no"...that's ridiculous. It's like, "I'm taking YOU to prom, not your dad." -___-
Internal Influence
The many within me
lace my consciousness
the ventriloquists that tie
together my common sense
Most times the reference is
singular, sometimes plural
Past ideas now shredded
and a mind state left rural
Immortal entities that
cannot be kept at bay
and the controlled-master
can only hope for the day
these same people
housed within his head
are the same voices
now are pronounced dead
Listening to: Last Good Sleep - Company Flow
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Day Two:
I've noticed how much I've taken advantage that I did not include being on the phone as apart of my fast. Lol it's moderated though. I feel like I'll only get over these remaining 38 days when I figure out how to stop caring i.e. let go. As of right now, I only feel like I keep messing up good things which seems to be a talent of mine. I think I love a girl but I can't bring myself to say it because I doubt I can know what love is at this age. Only He knows. Day two was a bit more of a challenge because I entertained the thought of my 10hr plane ride to Atlanta that I must endure without my Ipod. Whatever. Cracking is not allowed.
Talent.
My world is golden, Aesop's
geese and Midas's touch
my head is steel, an internal
beast and reckless punch
Technicolor becomes gray
where ever my fingers lay
everything then fruitful
and ripe slowly rots away
Everything becomes nothing
through a steady decay
life's worshiped little things
are worse when they disintegrate
I sneeze dysfunction
in addition to particles of sickness
I can cough a genuine mishap
contagious, everyone's a witness
My thoughts physically
manifest as toxic smog
black smoke, gunpowder,
and greenhouse gases raw
Apathy is my tomorrow
Caring was my yesterday
my heart looked past Medusa's
snakes, to every detail of her face
Love from the people fills
their necks with cursed needles
and embracing my compassion
is a deadly action
Depression drips when it rains
as I'm stalked by overcast killer
sun rays wont break through
if my rain cloud gets much bigger
Listening to: Death of Regret - Cryptic One
Talent.
My world is golden, Aesop's
geese and Midas's touch
my head is steel, an internal
beast and reckless punch
Technicolor becomes gray
where ever my fingers lay
everything then fruitful
and ripe slowly rots away
Everything becomes nothing
through a steady decay
life's worshiped little things
are worse when they disintegrate
I sneeze dysfunction
in addition to particles of sickness
I can cough a genuine mishap
contagious, everyone's a witness
My thoughts physically
manifest as toxic smog
black smoke, gunpowder,
and greenhouse gases raw
Apathy is my tomorrow
Caring was my yesterday
my heart looked past Medusa's
snakes, to every detail of her face
Love from the people fills
their necks with cursed needles
and embracing my compassion
is a deadly action
Depression drips when it rains
as I'm stalked by overcast killer
sun rays wont break through
if my rain cloud gets much bigger
Listening to: Death of Regret - Cryptic One
Monday, March 15, 2010
Day One:
Today was the beginning of my 40 day fast from...just about everything I have to much of i.e. texting, excessive food, my ipod, aim/skype, and Facebook. Purpose: to strengthen my relationship with God and short out my dependence on material things.
Today wasn't as difficult as I thought but I honestly cannot see doing 39 more days of this. I was thinking about listening to music all day. Currently, I'm thinking of the moment I gave my ipod to my mom to hide from me. I felt like I was sharing that moment when Jesus knew He had to die, or when Will Smith got in the bath tub during the final moments of 7 Pounds, which I saw hours before the fast began. Definitely got me in the sacrificial mood. I did however come to a clever conclusion with the help of my grandmother: Control is in human nature. We need to let go of the handles and enjoy the ride without fear of falling.
Cracking is not allowed.
Listening to: Lost - Cool Calm Pete
Today wasn't as difficult as I thought but I honestly cannot see doing 39 more days of this. I was thinking about listening to music all day. Currently, I'm thinking of the moment I gave my ipod to my mom to hide from me. I felt like I was sharing that moment when Jesus knew He had to die, or when Will Smith got in the bath tub during the final moments of 7 Pounds, which I saw hours before the fast began. Definitely got me in the sacrificial mood. I did however come to a clever conclusion with the help of my grandmother: Control is in human nature. We need to let go of the handles and enjoy the ride without fear of falling.
Cracking is not allowed.
Listening to: Lost - Cool Calm Pete
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Thoughts at the Universe's Edge
The fact that life is a play
and every Act is humble
makes Home Sweet Home in one's head
even if it crumbles
Now there's free fall, so routine
at this point it feels right
Remembering the darkest days
In the brightness of the night
Thinking of the map to heaven
religion, or a well-known myth
Amicably looking for something
which normally does not exist
Seeking the chase in
apologetic ways
Running from the all
as all else preys
Listening to: Aesop Rock - Boombox
and every Act is humble
makes Home Sweet Home in one's head
even if it crumbles
Now there's free fall, so routine
at this point it feels right
Remembering the darkest days
In the brightness of the night
Thinking of the map to heaven
religion, or a well-known myth
Amicably looking for something
which normally does not exist
Seeking the chase in
apologetic ways
Running from the all
as all else preys
Listening to: Aesop Rock - Boombox
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Word of Mouth.
I heard love was ignorance
alluding to its bliss
I heard love as a hollow phrase
endlessly dripping from lips
I heard love descended from
a place far above the clouds
cradled in two hands, being
the most fragile of gifts
I heard love fighting lust
in cardiovascular battles
upon the times it's realized
both cannot harmonically fit
I heard love was made in sex
I heard love was also lost in this
I heard love will always hit
I heard love was always missed
I heard love from the mouth
of my own Ms.
I heard love in it's entirety
in the truth of her one kiss
Yup. It's corny.
alluding to its bliss
I heard love as a hollow phrase
endlessly dripping from lips
I heard love descended from
a place far above the clouds
cradled in two hands, being
the most fragile of gifts
I heard love fighting lust
in cardiovascular battles
upon the times it's realized
both cannot harmonically fit
I heard love was made in sex
I heard love was also lost in this
I heard love will always hit
I heard love was always missed
I heard love from the mouth
of my own Ms.
I heard love in it's entirety
in the truth of her one kiss
Yup. It's corny.
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